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Thinking about hooking up with them doesn't make you a bad person, but not until you really, One school of thought says you should close that door forever.

“My friendships are more important than a new relationship,” says Sierra, a photographer in Los Angeles, who considers the deed to be absolutely off-limits.

In a few days, I’m going to Cuba on vacation with a guy I’ve been sleeping with for eight years, but whom I've never once called my boyfriend.

We live on different continents, but inevitably, a few times a year, we find each other somewhere in the world, have a few days of romance, and then go our separate ways.

A few summer ago, I had a life-altering, maddening crush on a woman who wasn’t into me and ended up dating another friend within our circle.

As much as it sucked that someone I really liked didn’t feel the same, they’re both friends whom I love immensely, and I don’t own them.

In As for how, exactly, to go about making the friend’s-ex-fantasy thing a reality in the most considerate and respectful way possible, Dr.

Twist recommends that you talk to your friend first.

And while I can’t imagine being with my Cuba date “for real”—I mean, he’s a low-key homeless anarchist who once took me on date to his Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting; there are red flags—I still value our relationship immensely.

“This is not uncommon within queer, kinky, consensually non-monogamous circles—and in some ways is built into the nature of dating within these communities," says Dr.

Markie Twist, licensed family therapist and certified sexuality educator.

And he actually knows me better than a lot of my partners ever did.

So what is it about the friends with benefits dynamic that is more sustainable, and often more transparent, than an actual relationship? They’re like: How can you have sex with the same person, again and again, without falling in love?




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